I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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