Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
the room spins SO much faster in panama
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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