Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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