but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
