I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Randomize
