opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Houston, we have a squirter
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
