You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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