this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
