My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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