I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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