My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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