Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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