Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
