he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
