Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
