You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Randomize