When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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