Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
