How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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