worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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