very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
