I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
