I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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