She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
