Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
