i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
don't judge my taste in strippers
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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