my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
