guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
