Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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