i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
