i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I wish life had little blips of pornography
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
