Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
