How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
