Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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