Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
