What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
