Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize