I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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