wrigley field is MILF paradise
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
