If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
