My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I love you. Go after that dick
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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