why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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