i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
