Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
