Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
