Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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