new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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