so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
