Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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