i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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