Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
