You're my little dorito
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
