Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
