you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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