Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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