He disabled his match.com account in front of me
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize