Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You can't special order awesome
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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