My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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