I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
