I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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