I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Terrible idea I love it
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
