i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
